Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Never forget.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m Sold!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit