Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”