interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!