*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority