Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I drew y’all a little something.