I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.