REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*jazz hands*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit