No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
girls literally only want one thing..
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Dietest Coke