There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I miss this era type of pranks😭
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that