I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The pasta is now
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.