*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.