Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
No way!
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight