I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Perfection.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.