Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My time has come.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee