“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
LMAO
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school