[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Livid.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.