Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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Simple enough.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it