Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
normalize having existential bread
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?