If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.