When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Facebook memories be like
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome