Doug is just Canadian for dog
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
🤣😂
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.