[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free