[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant