I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.