Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
What’s so funny?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too