[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When does CPR become necrophilia?
this is what they would have looked like, though
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Morning.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”