I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Beauty and the Beast
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”