Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Can’t, holding a grudge
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I wish this was real life…
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.