Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?