ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
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There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me irl
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
This week’s mood.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here