If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
IT’S-A ME,
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.