TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Goat cheese is for herders.
I have a type: disappointing
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.