Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
starting a garage orchestra
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.