The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Okey dokey.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.