Meme Monday.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
🤣could you imagine
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!