A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
You Might Also Like
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*