In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.