interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve