Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!