Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
being a writer on Twitter:
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.