[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes