Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.