Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego