*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool