Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway