I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Discuss
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!