Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
There’s never enough good news
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
dutch is not a serious language
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad