Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
me when i see my girls butt
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Monday?
No. Next question.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day