Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder