I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.